I am not feeling very happy this morning. My dreams last night have put me in a sort of depressed mood. On a regular basis, I have bad dreams about my self-perceived failure to get an education. In the dreams, I am usually at a school with an extremely heavy load, but I only go so some of my classes and I never do any homework. I'm also usually repeating my 12th grade year in high school.
My dreams are a skewed version of reality. I was homeschooled my senior year because I was having multiple major surgeries that made it impossible for me to leave the house. I didn't even do very much homeschool work because the combination of the healing process, the pain, and the drugs made me very tired and my brain very slow. I got my GED when I was finished with the surgeries. I didn't have any trouble with that at all. But school has always been very important to me, so I didn't ever feel like I really graduated. When I was finally done with all the surgeries (it nearly 3 years), I decided I could try to do some college work. Popi gave me money to enroll in some online BYU courses. Stupidly, I chose 4 very heavy classes. 16 credits after 3 years of no school is not a smart idea. When I started the classes, I was staying at my aunt's house in Reno. Those 2 months are the most serene and peaceful of my whole life. I was doing great on my classes and I felt so good about them. Then my life got crazier than it had ever been in my whole life. Within the next year I: had my wisdom teeth out in 4 separate and painful appointment, got dry socket and an infection, got engaged, moved across country, got married, got pregnant and ridiculously sick with the morning sickness, moved across country again, became really depressed, and had a baby. Because of all the turmoil and upheaval, I didn't finish my classes. It has become one of the things I most regret in my life. I'm constantly dreaming about that failure.
Now I have a 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I feel like it will be a decade or so before I'll finally have the chance to go to college. The hardest part is that going to college was one of the biggest dreams I had growing up. I miss learning so much! I feel kind of stuck right now. I thought about doing one of the free BYU courses, but I can't afford to buy the required reading. I sometimes get jealous of Mitchell because he's going to school and having a great time learning all these things that he's always wanted to. He gets jealous of me because he's so busy and I'm not at all. I don't know what to do with myself. My brain feels like it's starving.
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One thing I strongly believe is that you don't need to go to college to learn something. I don't know how many friends I have who did go to college and graduated, and are not working in their fields, or cannot find a job they went to school for. I never went to college either, and I regret it a little bit, but there's so many resources available to us nowadays, internet, libraries, museums, etc.. and we don't need to pay thousands of dollars to learn something! I'm very into birth, pregnancy, labor and delivery, fertility etc... and I've done so much reading about it I feel kinda like a fountain of information about it. I am just finally able to afford to go to school and I'm going into the nursing program. Basically, what I am saying is a college degree does not make you smarter. Sure you might need it if you were wanting to work in a particular field someday, but don't beat yourself up because you never went. Find something you are interested in, and study it! Remember, the First presidency always encourages getting an education, they dont say get a college degree. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteIf you ARE wanting to take some online courses, one school I took a course from was Penn Foster University, you can pay as you go and you can kinda set your own monthly payment. My Dad graduated from an online university, Alameda University...and there's a new one that's called Stevens Heneger College, that is mainly online, but there are local centers where you can go get help if needed. I've condsidered those... I am going to be attending the local community college for nursing, so it's nothing fancy!
I understand how you feel, and I am right there with you. I had a scholarship, but still didn't get to finish. I plan on it, though. And I know I will. Right now, I'm being Mommy and trying to enjoy that, but there are those times when I feel like a failure. With Noah going to school this fall I think there is a chance I could start in the next year or two, but after 14 yrs out of school I'm pretty sure the scholarship thing is an impossibility! All that to say, I understand, but do your best to enjoy your now, because you won't get to do it again!!
ReplyDeleteYOu can't change the past so there's no use replaying it in your head and kicking yourself for all the things you could have/should have done differently. You can, however, change the course of your future.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Val, there are so many ways to continue your education without paying a dime or going to school. Especially when you don't have the dime or time to actually attend a school. I know you like to read, but it seems like many of your books would fall into the "entertainment" category (if that makes sense... and I'm not being critical, because I think most of us prefer entertainment reading), maybe try branching out and reading more about things that are more fact based. Biographies, autobiographies (founding fathers, past presidents, influential people, etc.), etc. I could go on, but most of the things I'd list are things I'm interested in and might not appeal to you. =D
You made the choice to start your family, and it's important to make sure you don't let these moments pass you by. One thing I've been working on is trying to determine what would most benefit my family, specifically my children. Where do I need to improve and learn more so I can be a better mom. The more I focus on becoming better the less that piece of paper (degree) means and the more important what I'm doing NOW is.
Good luck, you can figure these things out. Seek the spirit, HF will help you know how you can focus your efforts and energies so you will feel happy and fulfilled. Love you!!!