Just Depressed

Yesterday was a really good day. And this morning I felt so optimistic about the day. As I was driving Mitchell to work, I commented on how it felt like the first Monday in forever that I felt relaxed after the weekend. Then, somewhere in the middle of the day, it was like someone flipped a switch, and I slowly descended into a dark hole. Somehow, I still managed to do some good things, including making dinner. I just feel so sad, though, and my brain feels muddled. I'm trying to just stick to some kind of routine and prepare for bed rather than losing myself in a video game, which is what I usually do when I feel like this. The hardest part about days like this is the hopelessness, which gets worse each time because I think, "Well, I still haven't gotten help. I guess I never will now." But when the good days come, I either feel like I have more important things to do or I just plain forget to do anything about it. I feel like I have a mountain of things to do tomorrow, so that's not helping my outlook either.

I'm going to make myself list three good things about today:

1. I enjoyed a nice shower with the cutest baby boy in the world.

2. I took the car to get the A/C re-checked and they didn't charge me anything.

3. Joseph and Annabelle fell asleep on the way to pick up Mitchell, so we had a partially kid-free evening.

Here's hoping, and praying, that tomorrow I have what it takes to do what I need and feel good.

Splurge

On Friday, Mitchell's phone just stopped working. So on Saturday, we went to the AT&T store to get him a new one. They have it now so that you can do monthly payments instead of paying everything at once. While there, the sales girl convinced us to get an iPad. We've been talking about getting one for over a year now, so we decided to just do it. Even though Mitchell was the one who really wanted to get one, I am the one who uses it the most. I love having it! I'm using to it to type this blog post. It's nice because I can just sit in bed and do it. So now I have another reason why blogging should be easier. But I always say that and I still never blog... But I can always hope I'll do better, right?

I have an idea in the works, but I haven't started yet. It would be a project for my other blog that ai haven't gotten on images. Hopefully, I can find time to get started soon.

Complaining

Apparently, Georgia isn't good for my blogging habit...

This post is probably going to sound like complaining, so you can stop reading now, I won't judge you. And don't judge me if you do keep reading! I could use some support, ideas, or just love, though.

I feel like crap. Basically all the time. After consulting a lot with some "new" psychiatric help, also known as my father-in-law, Rick, and his wife, Sally, several possible reasons for the crappiness have been voiced.

We already know that I have depression and anxiety. I'm struggling a lot with them, mostly the depression, and I think it's due to the other problems, but also to the move. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to living here and the totally different way we have to live life now. I hate being alone so much, and I miss having Mitchell around. Jason came to visit for a few weeks and it was great to have company, but he went home this week.

I also was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid. It's always given me a bit of trouble, but I haven't tried to do anything about it. Sally did have me try some medicine a few weeks ago, but it just didn't work for me. My thoughts are always very scattered and I have a hard time focusing on things for very long. I think this is contributing greatly to the chaos that I feel is pervading my life right now. I can never seem to accomplish anything or finish a project or even a thought....

I've been somewhat recently diagnosed with OCD. I was trying to work with my therapist in Provo on the OCD, but it's been a few months since I've seen her (obviously), and I don't think I was really doing my part either. I tend to "put on a show" and look my best when around other people, even though it's not intentional, I just get excited to be with other people! Anyways, being under greater stress has made me go a bit backwards in the progress that I did make, though. I have been getting kind of locked in to lots of patterns and routines that interfere with my daily activities.

Sally believes that I have Bi-polar II, which is just a "milder" form of the disorder, with longer periods between mood changes and less distinctive mania. I feel like this is a revelation to why I feel really depressed, but the next day I feel amazing and I'm dancing and singing all over the place. It just makes so much sense! Knowing what's wrong doesn't help that much, though. And I think the stress of life is causing the mood changes to happen a bit more frequently, too. Sally had me try a mood stabilizer a couple weeks ago; I liked feeling more relaxed, and Mitchell noticed a big difference, but I slept ALL the time (like 12 hours a day), so we stopped that one, too. I haven't seen her recently, so we haven't tried anything new yet.

And, lastly, Sally thinks I have hypothyroid. And, saying that, she's really echoing something my mom has been saying for awhile. I was actually showing thyroid abnormalities in my blood tests a year ago, but they "evened out" and were in the normal range, so treatment wasn't pursued. But I seriously feel like I have pretty much all of the symptoms. I'm so tired and cranky all the time. I'm achy and sore a lot, plus I get frequent neck/headaches. And I'm finally starting to gain weight at a steady pace... (For my whole life, until about a year ago, I was always underweight and I usually needed to be on a diet with an extra 1,000 calories. How do you change 20+ years of thinking that you need to eat tons of carbs?!)

So that's my life right now. Today I've been in a lot of pain and I've been super depressed. At least the depression is decreasing my appetite. I just want to fast forward until a time where all of the problems are being controlled.