Off-Day

Today was an "off" day for me. I just felt moody and frustrated most of the day. I've been working really hard to be patient with myself, and with the Lord's plan, as we try to figure out what to do. We haven't had much come up in the way of work yet. Mitchell is on his last week/paycheck for the freelance indie game he's been working on. He has been asked to do some illustrations for a friend, so that will be great. But that's all. The only time someone seems interested in hiring me, it would cost more to work there than I'd be getting paid! So we keep applying and keep praying and something will happen when it's time.

On the good side, Joseph has been doing well in school. He's going to a martial arts class several times a week, and it's really helping him with his focus, respect, and discipline, as well as getting energy out. We had a great family home evening with a good lesson and a fun activity. I'm also getting really involved in Joseph's school, so that should be fun.

Shopping and Exhaustion

I know, I missed a few days... It's been pretty difficult for me lately.

The Hard Part:

I was SO exhausted today. I think it's due to two major things. The first being a very adventurous day yesterday, and the second that I STILL don't have my Cymbalta, so that's two days without it now. I

Was hit by a huge wave of exhaustion at lunchtime. I barely made it to the bed before I passed out on the bed. It was that kind of sleep where you just have no control over sleeping or waking. I slept about 2 1/2 hours. I was able to force myself awake when I realized that Charlie had been awake for a bit and had a stinky diaper.

The Good Part:

I was at least able to pick up the Wellbutrin that I was prescribed. And the insurance is finally, sort of, fixed, so the prescription was only $15. I really hope that adding it will help me out a lot.

The Work Part:

Despite being a sleep-walking zombie, I was able to get to Kroger where I got some grocery shopping done and picked up my medicine. I had loaded coupons into my Kroger card, so those combined with sales prices saved me $26 on my groceries. The kids were really wild because there were no car carts to contain them and my brain was working at half-speed, but it still went pretty well.

New Resolution

I've made a new resolution. I'm going to try to blog every day. I know, I've made this resolution many times before, but I'm going to try really hard to make this time different. I added it as a daily task to my account on a website called HabitRPG. So I'm accountable every day to myself and sometimes to others for blogging. I'm also very determined to feel better.

I've been really struggling pretty much since we moved to Georgia. I can't seem to feel settled. I'm depressed and unmotivated nearly every day. I'm always exhausted and I've been choosing sleep over many activities. But I hate feeling like this. I want to enjoy life! I want to enjoy all the wonderful things that are around me and that have been happening.

I'm going to use a new format on my blog that will hopefully help me realize that there are more good things in my life than bad. I can blog about things that I'm struggling with, or negative things, but for each negative thing I write, I plan on writing a blessing, or good thing, and an accomplishment.

I want the rest of the day to happen before I blog for today, so, hopefully, I'll have two posts for today.

Please, please, please! Help me be accountable! Try to remind me or ask me what's up if I go too long without blogging.

Just Depressed

Yesterday was a really good day. And this morning I felt so optimistic about the day. As I was driving Mitchell to work, I commented on how it felt like the first Monday in forever that I felt relaxed after the weekend. Then, somewhere in the middle of the day, it was like someone flipped a switch, and I slowly descended into a dark hole. Somehow, I still managed to do some good things, including making dinner. I just feel so sad, though, and my brain feels muddled. I'm trying to just stick to some kind of routine and prepare for bed rather than losing myself in a video game, which is what I usually do when I feel like this. The hardest part about days like this is the hopelessness, which gets worse each time because I think, "Well, I still haven't gotten help. I guess I never will now." But when the good days come, I either feel like I have more important things to do or I just plain forget to do anything about it. I feel like I have a mountain of things to do tomorrow, so that's not helping my outlook either.

I'm going to make myself list three good things about today:

1. I enjoyed a nice shower with the cutest baby boy in the world.

2. I took the car to get the A/C re-checked and they didn't charge me anything.

3. Joseph and Annabelle fell asleep on the way to pick up Mitchell, so we had a partially kid-free evening.

Here's hoping, and praying, that tomorrow I have what it takes to do what I need and feel good.

Complaining

Apparently, Georgia isn't good for my blogging habit...

This post is probably going to sound like complaining, so you can stop reading now, I won't judge you. And don't judge me if you do keep reading! I could use some support, ideas, or just love, though.

I feel like crap. Basically all the time. After consulting a lot with some "new" psychiatric help, also known as my father-in-law, Rick, and his wife, Sally, several possible reasons for the crappiness have been voiced.

We already know that I have depression and anxiety. I'm struggling a lot with them, mostly the depression, and I think it's due to the other problems, but also to the move. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to living here and the totally different way we have to live life now. I hate being alone so much, and I miss having Mitchell around. Jason came to visit for a few weeks and it was great to have company, but he went home this week.

I also was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid. It's always given me a bit of trouble, but I haven't tried to do anything about it. Sally did have me try some medicine a few weeks ago, but it just didn't work for me. My thoughts are always very scattered and I have a hard time focusing on things for very long. I think this is contributing greatly to the chaos that I feel is pervading my life right now. I can never seem to accomplish anything or finish a project or even a thought....

I've been somewhat recently diagnosed with OCD. I was trying to work with my therapist in Provo on the OCD, but it's been a few months since I've seen her (obviously), and I don't think I was really doing my part either. I tend to "put on a show" and look my best when around other people, even though it's not intentional, I just get excited to be with other people! Anyways, being under greater stress has made me go a bit backwards in the progress that I did make, though. I have been getting kind of locked in to lots of patterns and routines that interfere with my daily activities.

Sally believes that I have Bi-polar II, which is just a "milder" form of the disorder, with longer periods between mood changes and less distinctive mania. I feel like this is a revelation to why I feel really depressed, but the next day I feel amazing and I'm dancing and singing all over the place. It just makes so much sense! Knowing what's wrong doesn't help that much, though. And I think the stress of life is causing the mood changes to happen a bit more frequently, too. Sally had me try a mood stabilizer a couple weeks ago; I liked feeling more relaxed, and Mitchell noticed a big difference, but I slept ALL the time (like 12 hours a day), so we stopped that one, too. I haven't seen her recently, so we haven't tried anything new yet.

And, lastly, Sally thinks I have hypothyroid. And, saying that, she's really echoing something my mom has been saying for awhile. I was actually showing thyroid abnormalities in my blood tests a year ago, but they "evened out" and were in the normal range, so treatment wasn't pursued. But I seriously feel like I have pretty much all of the symptoms. I'm so tired and cranky all the time. I'm achy and sore a lot, plus I get frequent neck/headaches. And I'm finally starting to gain weight at a steady pace... (For my whole life, until about a year ago, I was always underweight and I usually needed to be on a diet with an extra 1,000 calories. How do you change 20+ years of thinking that you need to eat tons of carbs?!)

So that's my life right now. Today I've been in a lot of pain and I've been super depressed. At least the depression is decreasing my appetite. I just want to fast forward until a time where all of the problems are being controlled.

Turning to the Lord

On Tuesday, I had the time to read and study from the scriptures before the kids woke up. I was working through the scripture chain in Lesson 8 of the Doctrine and Covenants study manual, which is about the Restoration of the Priesthood and the governing of the Church through the restored keys. However, as I was marking and reading a couple verses in Section 78, I felt prompted to read the surrounding verses to better understand what I was reading. While doing that, I came across two verses that really touched my heart; they seem perfectly suited to things I've been thinking and feeling lately.

Last week, I felt an increase in my anxiety and depression. Those feelings always lead to a lot of negative thinking. Sometimes it's very difficult to break out of the cycle of negative thoughts to realize that most of what I'm thinking isn't real or true. Sometimes, life feels impossible to me. It feels like I'll never make it through the next year, month, week, or day. But I've been learning to turn to the Lord more, and put myself in his hands to help me when I don't think I can make it on my own.

So these verses were exactly what I needed to hear:

17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood 

how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;

18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. 

The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

If I keep turning to the Lord in my time of need, as well as during times of strength, He will bless me to keep going, even when it seems impossible. And I someday I will have all the blessings promised to me.

Anxiety

Today was a hard day. The past few days I'd been noticing a little more depression and anxiety; today was like the climax of all the anxiety. I started having one of my anxiety attacks, which was worse than any I've had in several months. I ended up needing to take some Xanax in order to calm myself down. It was hard for me to do that. I was starting to feel proud of myself because I haven't had to take any since May, so I felt like a failure taking it. Mitchell really helped me feel better about it, though. He helped me remember that sometimes we just have bad days or we have setbacks, and that's normal, so I'm not a failure for needing help managing my anxiety sometimes. We went for a nice walk in the canyon after I'd calmed down. Then we had lunch at Chick-Fil-A and bought cupcakes at the Sweet Tooth Fairy. I took a long nap with Charlie when we came home. After I woke up, Mitchell and I put candles in our cupcakes and we finally sang Happy Birthday to ourselves. Even though the day started out bad, it did end well, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the support of my husband and for the things I've learned as I've dealt with my depression and anxiety the last several months. I know that I can continue getting better and getting stronger, as long as I rely on the Lord.

Frustrations

Today was a pretty hard day, well, at least the first half was. I didn't really feel like myself until after I had a nap in the afternoon. I was feeling extremely irritable and angry this morning, which led me to having a small breakdown. I spent a lot of time crying. It was pretty cute later when Joseph came and asked, "Are you done crying now?"

The weight of caring for three children has been feeling heavy on my shoulders this week. I've been making great strides in overcoming many of the causes for my anxiety as well as making changes to many of the patterns and things associated with OCD (I have a mild case of it). I think that I've been changing too fast, though, so that I lost a lot of the patterns, routines, and schedules that I use to anchor myself in times of stress. There has also been added stress because we don't have any way to support ourselves through the summer. Mitchell has been working really hard on his portfolio and applying to internships, while I have been filling out job applications for him. The added stress and worry over finances and the near future were just more than I could bear, so I just broke under the pressure this morning.

Charlie has also been making things more difficult. Charlie is normally a sweetheart and it makes caring for him a sweetheart. The past 2 weeks, however, Charlie has changed. He screams a lot and hardly ever sleeps. I am finally figuring out that he's been starving. He must be going through a growth spurt or something because all he wants to do is eat. My milk supply wasn't enough for him, so he was just always feeling so hungry. I started supplementing with formula, and, yesterday, I officially started him on solid food. He's already eating rice cereal and sweet potatoes. And he eats a lot, too.

The second half of today went well, and we had a good evening together. I'm hoping that this next week will go better than the past week has. I just need to be more patient with myself and allow myself to take baby steps. I can't become perfect through just a few days' hard work. As long as I remember that and I keep doing my best, I think things will continue to get better.

Lists

I've been going to therapy once a week and it's been helping me a lot. Everything that has happened combined with the treatment I am receiving has been making me much more introspective. I'm constantly having to stop and really THINK about why I'm acting the way I am. Today my therapist and I were talking about ways for me to overcome my compulsions to make lists and to focus only on minute details. She told me to throw away my lists. When she said that, I thought I might pass out. I'm already trying to write fewer lists and I deleted one off my computer when I came home. It was really difficult... and I wrote it out again a few hours later. I have so many lists for what I'm going to do each day and I choose which list to use based on a specific set of circumstances. But I frequently end up stressing myself out because the circumstances change or I don't feel like following a list or something throws me off what I'm doing and then I don't know what list to follow. I used to just make simple to-do lists, but sometime over the past years they began to rule my life instead of helping it. I feel like this is going to be one of  the most difficult obstacles I deal with in my life, and it's a bit scary, but I'm glad I have good help with working on it.

The Past Few Weeks...

The past few weeks have been difficult for us. I'm not ready to go into detail, but I do want to share the basics with my family. After going through several days of terrible nausea and anxiety attacks, I was admitted to the Psychiatric Ward in the hospital. That was Christmas night. I was there until the morning of New Year's Eve. I was put on a new antidepressant and given Xanax for anxiety attacks. That night, my mom took all 3 of the kids to Samantha's because I couldn't handle the chaos. They tried coming home on the 5th, but I still wasn't ready, so Joseph and Annabelle went to Idaho with my mom and Charlie went to Ogden with Samantha. I've spent the time resting and relaxing and trying to get back to myself. I've been doing a lot better this week and have been missing my kids a lot. We just got back from picking Charlie up in Ogden. I'll have time to get used to caring for him again before we pick up the other kids next week. Talking about the time leading up to my hospitalization is the most difficult thing for me now along with thinking to far into the future, but I'm mostly doing good now. I welcome text messages (757-353-7511) and visits, but phone calls are harder for me and I usually have to plan ahead for those. I'm grateful for the love, support, and prayers that I have received over the past few weeks.

Finally, a Good Day

Life has been very busy and stressful for me the last 2 weeks. I've been concerned with how I would make it through this next semester. Sadly, General Conference was not the relaxing and uplifting weekend that I wanted it to be. I was only able to really listen to Elder Scott's talk because the kids were eating breakfast. After that, everything just got insane and I didn't get to listen to another talk well enough to know what was being talked about. I did get some snippets, which I am grateful for, but I ended the weekend feeling more stressed than when it began.

Last night, I sat down and decided that I was going to write out a schedule for myself and work on not getting stressed out. I didn't really follow my schedule today, but it has been the most peaceful day that I have had in a long time. I slept in (I have no memory of my alarm going off even though it did), but just went with the flow when the kids woke me up. I decided to skip classes so that I could spend time with my family, which I haven't been able to do properly for a couple weeks. I got some studying done, cleaned my living room and vacuumed under all the furniture, and played with the kids outside. It was nice to just do some regular things.

I've been stressing about my classes a lot. I tend to freak out if I'm not doing perfectly in my classes, but I've been having a difficult time doing my classwork and taking care of my children and home at the same time. I have finally reconciled myself with the fact that I will have to sacrifice having A's in class in order to keep my sanity.

I hope that I am able to keep this outlook and attitude towards life so that my depression doesn't take over, especially while Annabelle is teething.

Stressed

I have been feeling very stressed, depressed and exhausted the past week or two. Between Joseph giving up naps and Annabelle becoming more mobile, the amount of time that I have to accomplish various tasks has decreased. However, my homework, laundry and dish piles keep growing. So now I am trying to figure out how to accommodate all of this extra work with no extra time. So far it is not going very well...

It's time for me to go to bed now. I will try to report my progress relatively soon.

Big Update

We all stayed home from church today. Mitchell and Joseph are sniffing and coughing all the time, I have a sore throat, and Annabelle even has a little bit of a stuffy nose. We were originally going to bless Annabelle today, but post-poned it until the 16th because of our sickness.

I took a really long nap with Annabelle today and it was great. I was just really tired and couldn't even keep my eyes open. Luckily, Annabelle was tired, too. It frequently seems like she's the most awake when I'm the most tired. Hopefully, my nap and an early bedtime tonight will give me the energy I need to be a mommy tomorrow.

Mitchell has started doing freelance web design for a graphic design company in Orem. It's nice having him working again, but I'm not good at being by myself with the kids so often. It really wears me down and I have more problems with my depression. I might have to go up on my meds soon. School starts on Tuesday and Mitchell has classes every day and then he'll be working either at home or the office quite frequently. I'm just going to pray really hard and be really patient.

Annabelle is such a sweetheart. She's such a happy little girl. It's funny because it seems like she's either really happy or really upset. She's a girl of extremes. She seems to do things in periods. She'll have a period of eating where it's pretty much all she wants to do for a day or two. Then she'll switch to sleeping and she hardly ever wakes up. She'll even have pooping periods where I have to change her every 30 minutes or so and she goes through 3 or 4 outfits in one day. It's pretty funny, but sometimes exhausting... especially when it's an eating period.

I've decided to work on my goals for the New Year one at a time. Since they are more of projects than things that need to be done on a regular basis, I think this will help me accomplish them more easily. I've been brainstorming and organizing for my chore book. I'm collaborating a lot with Mitchell so that it's something that will work for our family for a long time. We've decided to leave monetary amounts out. We'll decide how much the kids earn based on the number of jobs done, the difficulty of the jobs, and the age of the child. I'm really excited to keep working on this. Along with making the book, I'm trying to get into better cleaning habits. I'm usually a pretty messy person. So I'm trying to make sure that I stay pretty clean when I cook dinner and I'm working on doing the dishes right after we eat, instead of when we've run out of clean ones. I'm also trying to get into the habit of making my bed every morning.

Alright, I think I'm done updating now. I just want to add that I'm grateful for my husband and that he took care of Joseph while I napped today.

Motherhood

I am coming to all of you wonderful mothers for help.

Last night, I had a bit of a breakdown. There was lots of crying and frustration. There was so much going through my head. I'm going to try to organize and explain it the best that I can and then, hopefully, you can help me out.

I feel like I am a terrible mother. I feel that I've always had a hard time with it. I don't seem to find the happiness and joy that being a mother gives so many others. But I want that! And lately, I've been finding myself always putting Joseph in front of the tv and getting frustrated with Annabelle for wanting to be held all the time. I'm always trying to find ways to distract them or keep them busy so that I can "get stuff done". I don't like that I do these things, but I'm not sure how to change what I'm doing. I have a hard time feeling like my days are successful unless I can visually see some proof. I keep elaborate lists and charts to keep track of what I do every day so that I don't feel worthless. But parenting isn't something that can be recorded on paper.

So I'm asking you all for help. What can I do to be happy in my role as a mother and put my children first?

Trouble Being Thankful...

I have to admit that I've been having trouble being thankful the past few days. And it all has to do with money, specifically the lack of money. I've been worrying a lot lately because we don't have any money and there are things that we could really use. Now that Annabelle is here, I have to go back to my old wardrobe, a lot of which is now too small or is not nursing friendly. And Mitchell, Joseph, and I don't have very good winter wardrobes because it didn't get that cold in Virginia. It wouldn't be as big of a deal, except that we have to pay for every load of laundry that we do and it's getting really expensive. And we are suddenly needing to buy WAY more diapers and wipes. I don't even know how we are going to make it to the end of the month. It's seeming very unlikely that we'll be able to buy each other Christmas presents. I don't know what to do... but I can't keep worrying.

I am thankful for Popi and his help which we wouldn't survive without.

I am thankful that we are able to get food stamps, so at least we have PLENTY to eat.

I am thankful that the children have insurance and that I will for about a month longer.

Baby Stuff

We went to Babies R Us and put stuff on our baby registry today. I think it's so fun to look through all the stuff and scan it in. I was very conservative in what we added to this registry (unlike Joseph's) and only added things that we really need or would use a lot. The sad part about making a baby registry is knowing you probably won't get anything on the list. So, when I made it this time, I thought, "Well, even if I get a very similar item, that will still be good. In fact, if I get anything at all it will be good." I forgot how expensive it is to have a baby. Especially when you leave most of your stuff behind. A lot of the stuff we got for Joseph was old and not in great condition, so we decided it wasn't worth bringing. Now we don't have a lot of stuff. Plus having a girl makes a difference because most of the gifts we were given with Joseph were very boy-ish. I'm very grateful for what we do have: the clothes my mom got that should last the first 3 months, the bassinett Aunt Marianne is letting us borrow, the car seat and stroller that we were able to buy, etc. I think I have a problem with wanting stuff. I just like having cute things, but I'm learning to be grateful for what we do have. I need to be fine with Annabelle using boy towels and boy washcloths and boy bibs because that's what we have.

Okay, I need to stop rambling. I'm feeling kind of depressed today. I think it's because I'm tired and sore and just ready to have this baby. It's funny because I'm not even due until Halloween, but the past 2 weeks have been very difficult. I'm so sore that I can hardly walk some of the time. And it's just emotionally draining because I don't know what day she's going to come. I hope it's soon, though. I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm sorry this is a depressing post. Maybe tomorrow I can do something happier.

I'm feeling depressed today. I don't know why. It's frustrating.

Joseph has been driving me a little nuts lately. He's getting a molar, so that explains some of his behavior. He's very clingy and whiny. He's been pulling my hair a lot lately and climbing on my head if I'm sitting or lying down. He's been mostly refusing to eat anything. Yesterday, all he had for breakfast was a corner of a Poptart, lunch was 1 Ritz and 1 Frosted Mini Wheat, but he came around for dinner and had a couple tablespoons of brown rice and corn and half a Chick-Fil-A chicken strip. I think Mitchell got him to eat a couple blueberries and grapes, too. I really hope he decides to start eating again soon.

On a good note, I was right! I'm having a little girl! We're very excited. And this will be the first girl grandchild on Mitchell's side of the family, too.

Let's get this started...

I set up this account back in January, but I never finished setting it up. I had different plans for it then. I had decided to do my own Julie & Julia type thing. I thought about doing it a month or two ago, but never got around to it. But now I'm here and I'm making myself start this.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression 5 years ago. I've been on and off medications and treatment since then. A couple years ago, I started taking my new medication and things have gotten easier. Until about a month ago... I ran out of my medication and I don't have any insurance to get a new prescription. I'm waiting on an appointment with the health clinic now. The past 3 or 4 weeks have been some of the most difficult of my life. Sometimes I don't know if I'm going to make it through the day. The goal of this blog is to get things off of my chest and to record my progress.

Today was a bad day. That's why I decided to start this.

My brain is slowing down and I don't know what else to write at this moment. I'll continue with this later.