Frustrations

Today was a pretty hard day, well, at least the first half was. I didn't really feel like myself until after I had a nap in the afternoon. I was feeling extremely irritable and angry this morning, which led me to having a small breakdown. I spent a lot of time crying. It was pretty cute later when Joseph came and asked, "Are you done crying now?"

The weight of caring for three children has been feeling heavy on my shoulders this week. I've been making great strides in overcoming many of the causes for my anxiety as well as making changes to many of the patterns and things associated with OCD (I have a mild case of it). I think that I've been changing too fast, though, so that I lost a lot of the patterns, routines, and schedules that I use to anchor myself in times of stress. There has also been added stress because we don't have any way to support ourselves through the summer. Mitchell has been working really hard on his portfolio and applying to internships, while I have been filling out job applications for him. The added stress and worry over finances and the near future were just more than I could bear, so I just broke under the pressure this morning.

Charlie has also been making things more difficult. Charlie is normally a sweetheart and it makes caring for him a sweetheart. The past 2 weeks, however, Charlie has changed. He screams a lot and hardly ever sleeps. I am finally figuring out that he's been starving. He must be going through a growth spurt or something because all he wants to do is eat. My milk supply wasn't enough for him, so he was just always feeling so hungry. I started supplementing with formula, and, yesterday, I officially started him on solid food. He's already eating rice cereal and sweet potatoes. And he eats a lot, too.

The second half of today went well, and we had a good evening together. I'm hoping that this next week will go better than the past week has. I just need to be more patient with myself and allow myself to take baby steps. I can't become perfect through just a few days' hard work. As long as I remember that and I keep doing my best, I think things will continue to get better.