This post is probably going to sound like complaining, so you can stop reading now, I won't judge you. And don't judge me if you do keep reading! I could use some support, ideas, or just love, though.
I feel like crap. Basically all the time. After consulting a lot with some "new" psychiatric help, also known as my father-in-law, Rick, and his wife, Sally, several possible reasons for the crappiness have been voiced.
We already know that I have depression and anxiety. I'm struggling a lot with them, mostly the depression, and I think it's due to the other problems, but also to the move. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to living here and the totally different way we have to live life now. I hate being alone so much, and I miss having Mitchell around. Jason came to visit for a few weeks and it was great to have company, but he went home this week.
I also was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid. It's always given me a bit of trouble, but I haven't tried to do anything about it. Sally did have me try some medicine a few weeks ago, but it just didn't work for me. My thoughts are always very scattered and I have a hard time focusing on things for very long. I think this is contributing greatly to the chaos that I feel is pervading my life right now. I can never seem to accomplish anything or finish a project or even a thought....
I've been somewhat recently diagnosed with OCD. I was trying to work with my therapist in Provo on the OCD, but it's been a few months since I've seen her (obviously), and I don't think I was really doing my part either. I tend to "put on a show" and look my best when around other people, even though it's not intentional, I just get excited to be with other people! Anyways, being under greater stress has made me go a bit backwards in the progress that I did make, though. I have been getting kind of locked in to lots of patterns and routines that interfere with my daily activities.
Sally believes that I have Bi-polar II, which is just a "milder" form of the disorder, with longer periods between mood changes and less distinctive mania. I feel like this is a revelation to why I feel really depressed, but the next day I feel amazing and I'm dancing and singing all over the place. It just makes so much sense! Knowing what's wrong doesn't help that much, though. And I think the stress of life is causing the mood changes to happen a bit more frequently, too. Sally had me try a mood stabilizer a couple weeks ago; I liked feeling more relaxed, and Mitchell noticed a big difference, but I slept ALL the time (like 12 hours a day), so we stopped that one, too. I haven't seen her recently, so we haven't tried anything new yet.
And, lastly, Sally thinks I have hypothyroid. And, saying that, she's really echoing something my mom has been saying for awhile. I was actually showing thyroid abnormalities in my blood tests a year ago, but they "evened out" and were in the normal range, so treatment wasn't pursued. But I seriously feel like I have pretty much all of the symptoms. I'm so tired and cranky all the time. I'm achy and sore a lot, plus I get frequent neck/headaches. And I'm finally starting to gain weight at a steady pace... (For my whole life, until about a year ago, I was always underweight and I usually needed to be on a diet with an extra 1,000 calories. How do you change 20+ years of thinking that you need to eat tons of carbs?!)
So that's my life right now. Today I've been in a lot of pain and I've been super depressed. At least the depression is decreasing my appetite. I just want to fast forward until a time where all of the problems are being controlled.
It's always so hard when you have a slew of different factors that play into your mood and functionality because there's no easy fix. I hope you're able to find a combination of solutions that help ease your symptoms. :/ I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteSweetheart,
ReplyDeleteSome of what you are going through is directly related to the move. You thrive on social interaction and routines. With this move everything has changed. You had great support from your husband and friends at church. You had a place for everything in your house and routines set up to help you and the kids function. Those supports are gone or no longer completely available/relevant.
Under these circumstances, you should expect a time of regression in all the progress you made before the move. It is okay. Once you get your environmental foundation solid again, you will begin to improve again.
Focus and write stuff down so your thoughts can become plans.
Take small steps everyday to rebuild your order and routines.
Make sure you go to church regularly and attend social activities that will help you - play group, relief society group, etc. Utilize Skype when you can.
Find another therapist.
Find a doctor willing to investigate your thyroid issues. Hypothyroidism messes with mood, thoughts, appetite, energy, etc. It runs heavily in your family and I started suffering from it in my early 30's.
Let the Holy Spirit guide!
Love, Mom
For the record, I didn't feel like this was complaining. I hope you can get things figured out. Moving is always a big adjustment, even without other issues. You'll get the hang of things and I hope there are wonderful people to do a playgroup or something with!
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet cousin. I am so sorry. Here is what I know for myself.
ReplyDeleteI have been diagnosed with 3 anxiety disorders, including OCD. It is an anxiety disorder. It is also closely linked to clinical depression. One medication can (might) help with both. At least, that is what I have found. However, everyone is different.
I have moved an average of more than once a year since I was married. Each move, whether it is from home to home or from state to state takes adjustment. You need to give yourself time and be patient with yourself. I know that doesn't help, but it is the way of it. I have to take breaks from my children a lot more after a move until we establish our new normal. Make small goals each day and just work a bit at a time. Moving, job changes, births and dealing with death are the top 4 major life stresses. Have you had one year that you haven't had to deal with one or more of these?
Take care of the thyroid first and see how that helps. My mother has the opposite problem with her thyroid, but it still causes a lot of the symptoms you are describing and may help eliminate one or more of them.
I love you. Hang in there. I will pray for you and your family more specifically and put your name on the temple prayer role.