Depressed

Like everyone else, I don't like blogging when things aren't great. But if I don't, I internalize everything and blow it way out of proportion.

I'm super depressed today. It's been slowly getting worse over the past week or so. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I should go up on my medication.

I'm supposed to go to church in a few minutes. I've been dreading it all day. For some reason, when I'm really depressed, church is EXTREMELY stressful for me. Being around all those happy people that keep asking me how I'm doing really freaks me out. Sometimes I will even have minor panic attacks during Sacrament Meeting.

Mitchell was scheduled to work this morning/afternoon for some stupid reason. Which means I have to wrestle with Joseph on my own and I won't have his support in Nursery. There is only 3 of us with about 10 or so rambunctious kids (at least 3 need special one-on-one attention to survive the 2 hours) and without Mitchell it will be 2 of us. I regret that I have little confidence in our new leader. It took her 2 months of spending Nursery with us every week before she even remembered who we were. Even now if I call her, it takes her a few minutes before she remembers who I am.

Basically, I'm not ready or excited about the rest of this day. I just want to stay curled up on the couch all day long and maybe eat some chocolate.

Herb Class

Yesterday, I went to a Relief Society Activity that was about growing and using herbs. It was good and bad.

The Good:
The sister who taught it made some awesome recipes using fresh herbs. We had crackers with Artichoke-Herb Cream Cheese spread, cantaloupe with a mint-citrus dressing, shrimp with cilantro-mayonnaise dip, and chocolate mint-infused water. It was all so delicious. I learned a lot and I got to bring home a little basil plant and a tomato plant. Now I just have to get pots and soil for them.

The Bad:
The class was during the time Mitchell is at school, so I had to bring Joseph. I found out when we got there that children weren't really invited. At first he was really good, but then he got bored. He was crawling everywhere, trying to get into stuff, and generally distracting everyone from the class. I had to go into another room for a little while because he was just so distracting. I felt really bad about it. But what else are the young mothers like me supposed to do? Not go to any classes? We have a lot of moms like me with young kids, but all of us have callings in Primary, and everyone in Relief Society is past the stage of having kids younger than 13. They seem to frequently forget what it's like for the rest of us. I can't get a babysitter when they have the class at 1 in the afternoon because everyone is in school at that time, except Joseph. They almost never have babysitting available at Relief Society activities, even though the Stake President has told them to a few times. They keep saying they'll do it, but they don't. It's really frustrating. Hopefully, my new ward in Provo will be better about this.

Old St. Patrick's Day Pictures

I don't have anything new to post about, so I'll post some old pictures.

Mitchell's St. Patrick's Day milk. He put green food coloring in it.

Joseph in his green shirt with his green milk. It's kinda hard to see, but I let him have green milk all day. He didn't really notice any difference, but it was still fun.

Giveaways!

I never do this, but I'm posting specifically for the giveaways on Cardigan Empire and Tatertots and Jello. I've been dying for a look book, but definitely can't afford one right now. It would be so awesome to actually win something because I NEVER do.

Early Morning

Mitchell had his friend, Peter, stay over last night to help him finish his cartoon for school. They were up until extremely late (I don't know the exact time) recording voices and sound effects. Lately, Mitchell has been sleeping on the couch and Joseph stays in the bed with me at night. It actually works out well because Mitchell prefers the couch, he thinks it's more comfortable and I'm not on it moving around and touching him. But since Peter was here, he slept on the couch. Mitchell slept mostly on the end of the bed last night, on my feet. It was an uncomfortable and long night. Mitchell had to go to work at 6 this morning. Peter woke me up at 7 wondering if he could take a shower. I wasn't planning on having an overnight guest, so we don't have any clean towels. He just went home to shower. But Joseph woke up because of the noise. I was totally hoping to get 2 more hours of sleep. Oh well, now we're awake and moving. Maybe these extra 2 hours will help me get some important stuff done.

Nightmares

I have been having nightmares almost every night, it seems. Saturday night I watched a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 1 (it used to be one of my favorite shows) and then I had nightmares all night. So I guess I brought that on myself. But last night I was having nightmares again. They were about everyone hating me when I get to Provo. And by everyone, I don't mean my family because I know you won't hate me. I mean all of my high school friends that are now going to BYU. My last year in Texas before I moved out here, I turned into a total jerk. I got a boyfriend and thought he was going to be the one I married. I stopped hanging out with my friends and I treated them all very rudely. I'm worried that when I get to Provo, none of them will want to try being friends again. And so I'm having nightmares about it. The only thing I can really do is wait and see what happens.

Why I'm Feeling Depressed

I figured out why I've been feeling depressed. It's because I'm stuck at home ALL the time. I usually only leave for church (where I spend most of it with small children incapable of intelligent conversation) and to go grocery shopping. And even when my husband is home, he is so insanely busy with school projects that I can't really talk or hang out with him. I really don't have any friends here in Virginia Beach and no one that I do know even lives close to us. It sucks having such huge ward boundaries. Most of the families with children Joseph's age live about 15-20 minutes away (driving). Mitchell graduates May 18, so I'll have more time to spend with him, but he'll still be working 50+ hours a week at his 2 jobs. I seriously cannot wait to get to Provo where I'll finally have friends and family to hang out with. And if we live in married housing, there will be lots of families with children for Joseph to hang out with. Only about 2 more months. I hope I can make it.