Having Fun

Today we got our tax return. It was kind of exciting to check our balance in the bank and find an extra thousand dollars that I wasn't expecting. We set about making sure that our various bills were payed and talking about what this money needed to be used for. But the best part of the day was when we went on a bit of a treasure hunt to pick out the perfect toys for the kids. Joseph has been asking, "Do we have money yet?" nearly every day for a week or two because he's had his mind on some toys he wants, so it was exciting to tell him that we do have money.

We were gone a long time today and did a lot of driving to find him something he really loved. We went to Toys R Us and searched the whole store. Then we drove to Walmart and searched that whole store. And we finally found the right thing. He got his very first LEGO set and it has "Luke with the green lightsaber" as well as Boba Fett and the Sarlac. Annabelle picked out a My Little Pony set. And we bought Charlie a Bouncy play center thing.

It's been awesome watching Joseph so fascinated with something that isn't a video game. He's been playing with the legos almost none stop since we brought them home. He even took Luke and Boba Fett to bed with him. And it's been fun to watch Mitchell and Joseph playing together. I never knew that legos were such a great father-son bonding activity. Annabelle and I were able to play ponies together, too.

I think that something I learned from today is how important it is to play with your kids, but to also try to find the things that they have a passion for. It's important to find those passions and nourish them now, so that they can grow and learn from those passions throughout their lives.

Frustrations

Today was a pretty hard day, well, at least the first half was. I didn't really feel like myself until after I had a nap in the afternoon. I was feeling extremely irritable and angry this morning, which led me to having a small breakdown. I spent a lot of time crying. It was pretty cute later when Joseph came and asked, "Are you done crying now?"

The weight of caring for three children has been feeling heavy on my shoulders this week. I've been making great strides in overcoming many of the causes for my anxiety as well as making changes to many of the patterns and things associated with OCD (I have a mild case of it). I think that I've been changing too fast, though, so that I lost a lot of the patterns, routines, and schedules that I use to anchor myself in times of stress. There has also been added stress because we don't have any way to support ourselves through the summer. Mitchell has been working really hard on his portfolio and applying to internships, while I have been filling out job applications for him. The added stress and worry over finances and the near future were just more than I could bear, so I just broke under the pressure this morning.

Charlie has also been making things more difficult. Charlie is normally a sweetheart and it makes caring for him a sweetheart. The past 2 weeks, however, Charlie has changed. He screams a lot and hardly ever sleeps. I am finally figuring out that he's been starving. He must be going through a growth spurt or something because all he wants to do is eat. My milk supply wasn't enough for him, so he was just always feeling so hungry. I started supplementing with formula, and, yesterday, I officially started him on solid food. He's already eating rice cereal and sweet potatoes. And he eats a lot, too.

The second half of today went well, and we had a good evening together. I'm hoping that this next week will go better than the past week has. I just need to be more patient with myself and allow myself to take baby steps. I can't become perfect through just a few days' hard work. As long as I remember that and I keep doing my best, I think things will continue to get better.

Museum Fun

The kids have been dying to go to the Dinosaur Museum aka BYU's Museum of Paleontology. We were going to take them on Friday, but got there right when the doors were locked, so we promised them we would go on Monday. They were pretty excited today and difficult to contain until we went to the museum. It's a really small museum, but the kids just kept running through it and discovering new things each time. They loved seeing the "baby" dinosaurs and touching different fossils. Annabelle liked standing on the stool to watch a guy working in the back. Joseph had fun finding the dinosaurs that are in Power Rangers. I was even able to get a little video of him saying the dinosaur names like the Power Rangers do, plus a bit of them just looking at things. 

It was a fun learning activity and way to spend time together as a family, which are both things we are trying to incorporate more into our life.

Desiring Motherhood

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be done unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation." D&C 11:8

It's taken me a little while to think about this as well as find the time to post. When I first read this verse, I knew it applied to how I have been feeling. I know that I need to have a desire to be a good mother. I also know that if I have the desire, I will be blessed to do much good in this world. My patriarchal blessing tells me that some of the greatest work I will do in my life will be done as I am striving to be a mother in Zion. Sometimes it's hard to find the desire, but when I do find it, I feel great about the things I do and the way I feel.

Today, Mitchell and I took the kids to the park and we had a really good talk. I was expressing frustration with knowing how to schedule my day and make time for all the things I feel I need to do. Through that talk, Mitchell helped me realize that all of the side goals and projects that I've been giving myself aren't important when compared with my role of motherhood. He told me that I need to give the kids my time and that will help me become a better mother, not completing tons of projects.

The hardest thing for me is waking up in the morning and remembering that I'm trying to be a mother, not a perfect housekeeper with perfect children. And it's hard remember why I want to be a mother when I'm woken by 3 kids clamoring for my attention. Instead of getting frustrated in that moment, I want to remember these faces and my desire to be the best mother that THEY need.

Prospering as a Family

"Do this thing which I have commanded you, and you shall prosper." D&C 9:13

With Mitchell in college, we are always struggling with money, especially since he hasn't been able to have a steady job since we moved to Utah. Financial problems are so stressful and difficult to handle. Sometimes, it's hard because I feel like most of my dreams and desires are pushed aside because we can't afford to do extra things. I keep wishing for the day when we will really have our own place and we can afford to buy the clothes and things that we need for the kids and ourselves. And, frequently, I get caught up in that wishing and I forget to focus on the present.

I've been studying my scriptures with the purpose of finding help and guidance in being a better mother. As I read that verse in Doctrine and Covenants, I felt it applied to me. I need to stop wishing for all the things that we don't have right now. I need to focus on my kids, on enjoying them, on teaching them, on loving them. If I can do that, if I can keep the Lord's commandment to be a nurturing, righteous mother, He will give us what we need to live happily.

Today we were able to go to Farm Country for our last day with Grammy Ellen. We were able to use some money given to us by family to pay for riding the FrontRunner to Lehi and visiting Farm Country. It was such an exciting experience for the kids to ride the train and they loved Farm Country just as much fun as they always have. They loved seeing the animals and riding the ponies. We were able to ride in a horse-drawn buggy this time, which was really cool and the kids' favorite part. It was a fun day and I'm so glad that I was able to spend it with my family.

New Blog Direction

"Therefore this is thy gift: apply unto it..." D&C 8:4

I've decided to take this blog in a more focused direction. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like I have purpose and knowing where to go with my life. During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist asked me what my ultimate goal was. I took my time to think about the question because it's such a big one, but I still knew it was the first thing that came to my mind: to be the best mom. My whole life, I wanted to be a wife and a mother. Now I am, but I take these blessings for granted too often. My therapist recommended that I keep this ultimate goal in mind when I am trying to figure out what to do with myself or I am getting stuck in the minute details of life. So I've decided to make this blog a way to chronicle my journey towards becoming  a better mother.

 These children are a gift from God and I want to cherish this gift.

Lots of Family

We had so much family here today! Mitchell's mom, Ellen, flew in last night and has been playing with the kids and making food and cleaning things. Mitchell's brother, Ross, flew in this morning. Ross and Mitchell have been having a great time hanging out again after such a long time apart. They have such an awesome relationship and it's just fun watching them talk and hang out together because of the way they are. Samantha, Athena, and Jason got here in the afternoon and we hung out with them. Then shortly after, Dad, Dena and Zachary got here. It was very full and very loud in our apartment, but also very fun. We watched funny videos, remembered funny stories, and hung out. We ate at Chuck-A-Rama for lunch. Even though the food really isn't that great, except the scones and honey butter, that place has so many wonderful memories for the Brugger family. After a long and fun lunch, we came back and hung out more. We also got to have a small guitar concert from Ross. Eventually, Dena, Samantha, Zachary, Athena, and I went to the mall. It was fun to have a girl (not including Zach) date. We walked around the mall and did some fun shopping. It was a great little break from my kids and just every day life. I love my family and I'm so glad that they are here. I forgot to get pictures, but I know that Ellen posted some on Facebook.