New Blog Direction

"Therefore this is thy gift: apply unto it..." D&C 8:4

I've decided to take this blog in a more focused direction. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like I have purpose and knowing where to go with my life. During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist asked me what my ultimate goal was. I took my time to think about the question because it's such a big one, but I still knew it was the first thing that came to my mind: to be the best mom. My whole life, I wanted to be a wife and a mother. Now I am, but I take these blessings for granted too often. My therapist recommended that I keep this ultimate goal in mind when I am trying to figure out what to do with myself or I am getting stuck in the minute details of life. So I've decided to make this blog a way to chronicle my journey towards becoming  a better mother.

 These children are a gift from God and I want to cherish this gift.

Lots of Family

We had so much family here today! Mitchell's mom, Ellen, flew in last night and has been playing with the kids and making food and cleaning things. Mitchell's brother, Ross, flew in this morning. Ross and Mitchell have been having a great time hanging out again after such a long time apart. They have such an awesome relationship and it's just fun watching them talk and hang out together because of the way they are. Samantha, Athena, and Jason got here in the afternoon and we hung out with them. Then shortly after, Dad, Dena and Zachary got here. It was very full and very loud in our apartment, but also very fun. We watched funny videos, remembered funny stories, and hung out. We ate at Chuck-A-Rama for lunch. Even though the food really isn't that great, except the scones and honey butter, that place has so many wonderful memories for the Brugger family. After a long and fun lunch, we came back and hung out more. We also got to have a small guitar concert from Ross. Eventually, Dena, Samantha, Zachary, Athena, and I went to the mall. It was fun to have a girl (not including Zach) date. We walked around the mall and did some fun shopping. It was a great little break from my kids and just every day life. I love my family and I'm so glad that they are here. I forgot to get pictures, but I know that Ellen posted some on Facebook.

Lists

I've been going to therapy once a week and it's been helping me a lot. Everything that has happened combined with the treatment I am receiving has been making me much more introspective. I'm constantly having to stop and really THINK about why I'm acting the way I am. Today my therapist and I were talking about ways for me to overcome my compulsions to make lists and to focus only on minute details. She told me to throw away my lists. When she said that, I thought I might pass out. I'm already trying to write fewer lists and I deleted one off my computer when I came home. It was really difficult... and I wrote it out again a few hours later. I have so many lists for what I'm going to do each day and I choose which list to use based on a specific set of circumstances. But I frequently end up stressing myself out because the circumstances change or I don't feel like following a list or something throws me off what I'm doing and then I don't know what list to follow. I used to just make simple to-do lists, but sometime over the past years they began to rule my life instead of helping it. I feel like this is going to be one of  the most difficult obstacles I deal with in my life, and it's a bit scary, but I'm glad I have good help with working on it.

Blessing Charlie

Hey! We'll be blessing Charlie on March 3rd in our ward. We want to invite our family and friends to join us. Our Sacrament Meeting starts at 1:00 and is in the building on the corner of 600 W and 300 S. We will most likely be having some kind of gathering in the gym after Sacrament Meeting. I will have more details for you if you are able to come. We love you all!

Getting Better

Today was a bit better, so I have hope in the progress I am making. I needed a Xanax almost immediately after waking up. I get this feeling like I'm being stretched in too many directions and then I start to freak out a bit. The Xanax helps me to think rationally when I'm so overwhelmed like that. My awesome cousin Emily came and helped again today. She did my dishes, played with the kids, and let me take a nap again. I wish she could come every Monday and Wednesday. I had a lot more patience with the kids today. I was able to make them lunch and I made dinner by myself. We went through their bedtime routine and it went much better. Joseph was asleep by the time I was done singing and Annabelle was asleep within 5 minutes of me leaving the room. I was also able to go visiting teaching for the first time in several months. That felt so great. It feels good that I am getting back to being myself.

All Together Again

This weekend we went to Idaho and picked up the kids from my mom's. Yesterday, we drove home in that crazy weather, but we got home safe and sound. Today was the first full day of us being together as a family. Mitchell was at class from 7:30 until around 3-ish. I did a lot better today compared to how I did the first day we had Charlie home. It was still really hard and I was blessed to have my amazing, cousin Emily come help in the afternoon. She played with Joseph and Annabelle while I took a nap with Charlie. In the evening, we went to Sizzler for dinner as a family. It was pretty nice to be out all together. Right now, the kids are entirely fighting bedtime. So many weeks of constant upheaval have been very hard on them, so rules and routines are pretty much gone. It's going to take some time to get our lives back in order.

The Past Few Weeks...

The past few weeks have been difficult for us. I'm not ready to go into detail, but I do want to share the basics with my family. After going through several days of terrible nausea and anxiety attacks, I was admitted to the Psychiatric Ward in the hospital. That was Christmas night. I was there until the morning of New Year's Eve. I was put on a new antidepressant and given Xanax for anxiety attacks. That night, my mom took all 3 of the kids to Samantha's because I couldn't handle the chaos. They tried coming home on the 5th, but I still wasn't ready, so Joseph and Annabelle went to Idaho with my mom and Charlie went to Ogden with Samantha. I've spent the time resting and relaxing and trying to get back to myself. I've been doing a lot better this week and have been missing my kids a lot. We just got back from picking Charlie up in Ogden. I'll have time to get used to caring for him again before we pick up the other kids next week. Talking about the time leading up to my hospitalization is the most difficult thing for me now along with thinking to far into the future, but I'm mostly doing good now. I welcome text messages (757-353-7511) and visits, but phone calls are harder for me and I usually have to plan ahead for those. I'm grateful for the love, support, and prayers that I have received over the past few weeks.