Craziness

Everything has been so crazy in our lives lately.

Last week, we decided to take one last trip to visit Mitchell's family in Virginia before our move to Texas. Late at night, smack-dab in the middle of Richmond, our car died. Thankfully, Mitchell's mom was driving through Richmond at the same time, so she was able to come pick the kids up. We were able to arrange with USAA to have the car towed to a nearby, reputable repair shop. There was a motel close enough for Mitchell and me to walk to and get a room for the night. In the morning, we found out that our engine was broken, rendering the car useless. So Mitchell's brothers, Grant and Ross, were able to pick us up and take us to their brother, Sam's, house where the kids were.

We arranged for my cousin, Amber, to overnight the title to our car so that we could sell it to a junkyard. And we were able to relax for a week in a small town in Virginia. The kids had the best time with their cousins, and spent hours outside every day. It was so great to kind of get away from all the stress of regular life. On Friday, Ross drove Mitchell back to Richmond, where Mitch was able to sell our poor, little car for $300. On Monday night, his mom took him to get a rental car, and we left very early Tuesday morning. We were able to use the car for less than 24 hours, which made it a lot cheaper, and the price was completely covered with the money we got from junking our car.

While in Virginia, we spent a lot of time pondering, praying, and discussing our situation. We came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father wants us in Georgia for a while longer, so we have decided not to move to Texas. Even though this seems like a very difficult path, as soon as we made the decision, my heart felt so light that I thought I would float away. I know that Heavenly Father is going to bless us to find a way to make things work.

Mitchell has already started applying to pretty much every job within walking distance. We walked to Walgreen's to get some milk and juice, which is 2-miles roundtrip. We have been working closely with several members of our ward, including the Bishop and members of both the Elder's Quorum and Relief Society. We are going to find ways to coordinate rides to grocery stores, places to do laundry, and maybe help getting a bike and/or wagon. We feel so blessed right now as we are learning to stand on our own feet for the first time ever.

Stressed

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and stressed tonight. It sucks also because tomorrow is my birthday, but I'll probably have to spend the whole day at the laundromat, which is probably my least favorite place in the world. I need to stop complaining, but I just felt like I needed to blog tonight. Maybe if I get a good night's sleep, I'll feel better by morning.

Off Duty

You know those nights when you just can't handle anymore? That was me tonight. At around 8:45, I announced to the house that I was "off duty" and would not be doing anymore responsible things. I managed to convince myself to wash my makeup off and brush my teeth. I even managed to read a couple pages from the Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith for my gospel study. And I'm only blogging because I needed to rant a little bit. And, I've been having a lot of abdominal pain, which I'm sure is contributing to my crankiness.

Off-Day

Today was an "off" day for me. I just felt moody and frustrated most of the day. I've been working really hard to be patient with myself, and with the Lord's plan, as we try to figure out what to do. We haven't had much come up in the way of work yet. Mitchell is on his last week/paycheck for the freelance indie game he's been working on. He has been asked to do some illustrations for a friend, so that will be great. But that's all. The only time someone seems interested in hiring me, it would cost more to work there than I'd be getting paid! So we keep applying and keep praying and something will happen when it's time.

On the good side, Joseph has been doing well in school. He's going to a martial arts class several times a week, and it's really helping him with his focus, respect, and discipline, as well as getting energy out. We had a great family home evening with a good lesson and a fun activity. I'm also getting really involved in Joseph's school, so that should be fun.

Too Much On My Plate

Today was a hard day for me. I feel like I just have a lot going on right now.

The "Bad" Things:

I didn't here back about the job at Veritas, Inc.

We bug bombed our kitchen yesterday, but the infestation is so bad that we have to do it again tomorrow.

I haven't had any use of my kitchen for about 36 hours, so we've had to eat out a lot even though we're completely broke.

We don't know how we're going to pay our rent for September, but we can't move anywhere else because we can't pay a deposit. 

I think I have a UTI. 

I'm having my period for the second time in 2 weeks because I had to stop my birth control pills prematurely; they were making me feel "morning sick" all the time.

The "Good" Things:

I had a job interview at a different PetSmart. They seemed really interested in me.

Joseph is starting Kindergarten tomorrow! And we have all his stuff ready for him.

We've been the recipients of many charitable acts over the past month.

Our landlord is providing all the supplies to take care of our roach problem.

I'm hoping and praying really hard that everything evens out soon.

Fried Brain

That's how my mind feels right now, fried. I just finished redoing my resume and cover letter so that they are both PDFs and small enough to upload to different websites. It took a lot of thought, and some help from Mitchell, but I finally got it taken care of. Now I can apply to jobs more easily, and my resume better reflects my skills and experience, so maybe someone will want to hire me now!

My brain is also fried because I'm worrying A LOT. We are still at a point where we have no idea what's going to happen at the end of August. Today we confirmed with our landlord that we are planning to move out. But we don't have plans to move anywhere. It's all just very scary and frustrating. It's definitely a trial of my faith and my patience, but I feel more spiritually in-tune than I've felt in a very long time, so I'm grateful for that.

A Day to Relax

I sort of took the day off today. I've been doing so many important things as well as a lot if housework this week, so I had earned a lot of gold on HabitRPG. I did use the morning to find out what stage our Food Stamps application is in, and to go over the budget for July and begin August's budget. We went to Kroger and got some WIC things. Then we decided to treat ourselves to Zaxby's for lunch. Sometimes it's just nice to do something a little special. I took a nice, long nap with Charlie after lunch. And we had breakfast for dinner with scrambled eggs, homemade turkey sausage, and Peanut-Butter-and-Banana pancakes. I did clean up the kitchen completely, and I put in two more job applications. So I didn't waste the day, I enjoyed it. 

We have a little hope right now with the freelance job Mitchell has been working on. If the game is picked up to be developed, he will have full-time employment with them. I'll be praying really hard for this, but I'm always keeping in mind that we follow whatever path The Lord shows to us.

Busy, Busy

Today was one of those exhausting days where my whole body Is aching by the end of it. But I did so many good things! 

I got a bunch of organizing done in my living room and dining room, which I'm not going to describe here because there's a whole post about it on my other blog. 

We went to the WIC office to pick up our next set of checks, then we went to Kroger to get a few things. 

I've decided to do research into subjects I'm curious about studying in school, so I've been doing my own history study, starting with the Paleolithic era. I read a few articles about Paleolithic art, and I watched a couple PBS documentaries about Neanderthals while I was making dinner and cleaning up afterwards.

I made chili and cornbread for dinner, but doubled the chili recipe because we were feeding the Elders. It was a bit hectic getting all the food ready, setting up tables and chairs, and serving everybody. It was because in addition to those basic tasks, there were a few other things adding to the chaos. It was pouring rain, so Mitchell opened the door for the cool air to come in, but Annabelle and Charlie went and played in it, and Annabelle was so wet that I had to help her change. The AC was turned off since the door was open, but it was like 85 degrees inside, so I was trying to set up the fan to help everyone keep cool. The kids were hungry, so they were whiny. AND, I wanted to be able to keep up with the conversation. It was all fun, though, and I'm really glad we were able to feed them. 

I'm really grateful that today was so busy. It's nice to prove to myself that I am capable of completing several projects as well as multitasking; sometimes I'm too hard on myself, and sometimes I just have bad days. But today was real-life proof that I am capable of the jobs I've been applying for!

New Resolution

I've made a new resolution. I'm going to try to blog every day. I know, I've made this resolution many times before, but I'm going to try really hard to make this time different. I added it as a daily task to my account on a website called HabitRPG. So I'm accountable every day to myself and sometimes to others for blogging. I'm also very determined to feel better.

I've been really struggling pretty much since we moved to Georgia. I can't seem to feel settled. I'm depressed and unmotivated nearly every day. I'm always exhausted and I've been choosing sleep over many activities. But I hate feeling like this. I want to enjoy life! I want to enjoy all the wonderful things that are around me and that have been happening.

I'm going to use a new format on my blog that will hopefully help me realize that there are more good things in my life than bad. I can blog about things that I'm struggling with, or negative things, but for each negative thing I write, I plan on writing a blessing, or good thing, and an accomplishment.

I want the rest of the day to happen before I blog for today, so, hopefully, I'll have two posts for today.

Please, please, please! Help me be accountable! Try to remind me or ask me what's up if I go too long without blogging.

Feeling Better

I've been feeling a lot better the past week. And I attribute it to the Gospel. I've been putting an extra effort in to make sure that I have to Spirit in my life. 

I use a website called HabitRPG that helps build good habits by "gamifying" them. One of the daily habits I have is Morning Prayer because it is something I have always had a hard time remembering. I've gone 2 weeks without missing, though! At first I was thinking it wouldn't help much because I would just be doing it, but I wouldn't be in the right spirit. That's no true, though. The reminder helps me to know I need to do it and ai can take the time to get in the right Spirit. It started out that I didn't want to damage my party members, but now I want that extra support in the morning. 

Mitchell and I have also been listening to Conference talks while we drive to and from his work together. And when it's just me, I listen to the scriptures sometimes. I'm doing that Book of Mormon challenge to read it in the same amount of time that Joseph Smith translated it, so sometimes I need to listen in the car to catch-up. 

We were missing a lot of church for a bit back in March and the beginning of April, but we are back to going regularly. I gave a talk two weeks ago, and yesterday was Mitchell's first week if his new calling, which is teaching the 12-13 year old Sunday School class. We can't miss anymore! 

On Saturday, I went to a wonderful Stake Relief Society Conference. It was called Living in the Latter Days, and Loving It! I really enjoyed the time I spent there and I learned some good things.

I'm so grateful for the Gospel and all the blessings that it brings into my life. I'm grateful to see the increase in blessings as I strive to increase my obedience and righteousness; to me that is proof that God is watching over me.

Complaining

Apparently, Georgia isn't good for my blogging habit...

This post is probably going to sound like complaining, so you can stop reading now, I won't judge you. And don't judge me if you do keep reading! I could use some support, ideas, or just love, though.

I feel like crap. Basically all the time. After consulting a lot with some "new" psychiatric help, also known as my father-in-law, Rick, and his wife, Sally, several possible reasons for the crappiness have been voiced.

We already know that I have depression and anxiety. I'm struggling a lot with them, mostly the depression, and I think it's due to the other problems, but also to the move. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to living here and the totally different way we have to live life now. I hate being alone so much, and I miss having Mitchell around. Jason came to visit for a few weeks and it was great to have company, but he went home this week.

I also was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid. It's always given me a bit of trouble, but I haven't tried to do anything about it. Sally did have me try some medicine a few weeks ago, but it just didn't work for me. My thoughts are always very scattered and I have a hard time focusing on things for very long. I think this is contributing greatly to the chaos that I feel is pervading my life right now. I can never seem to accomplish anything or finish a project or even a thought....

I've been somewhat recently diagnosed with OCD. I was trying to work with my therapist in Provo on the OCD, but it's been a few months since I've seen her (obviously), and I don't think I was really doing my part either. I tend to "put on a show" and look my best when around other people, even though it's not intentional, I just get excited to be with other people! Anyways, being under greater stress has made me go a bit backwards in the progress that I did make, though. I have been getting kind of locked in to lots of patterns and routines that interfere with my daily activities.

Sally believes that I have Bi-polar II, which is just a "milder" form of the disorder, with longer periods between mood changes and less distinctive mania. I feel like this is a revelation to why I feel really depressed, but the next day I feel amazing and I'm dancing and singing all over the place. It just makes so much sense! Knowing what's wrong doesn't help that much, though. And I think the stress of life is causing the mood changes to happen a bit more frequently, too. Sally had me try a mood stabilizer a couple weeks ago; I liked feeling more relaxed, and Mitchell noticed a big difference, but I slept ALL the time (like 12 hours a day), so we stopped that one, too. I haven't seen her recently, so we haven't tried anything new yet.

And, lastly, Sally thinks I have hypothyroid. And, saying that, she's really echoing something my mom has been saying for awhile. I was actually showing thyroid abnormalities in my blood tests a year ago, but they "evened out" and were in the normal range, so treatment wasn't pursued. But I seriously feel like I have pretty much all of the symptoms. I'm so tired and cranky all the time. I'm achy and sore a lot, plus I get frequent neck/headaches. And I'm finally starting to gain weight at a steady pace... (For my whole life, until about a year ago, I was always underweight and I usually needed to be on a diet with an extra 1,000 calories. How do you change 20+ years of thinking that you need to eat tons of carbs?!)

So that's my life right now. Today I've been in a lot of pain and I've been super depressed. At least the depression is decreasing my appetite. I just want to fast forward until a time where all of the problems are being controlled.

A Lot of Stuff

It has been a LONG time since I posted anything on my blog. I think I have pretty good excuses, though.

I noticed that the last date I posted was November 4th. Four days after that, I had my appendix out because it was enlarged.

Then, just when I had recovered, it was time for Mitchell's art show and we had family in town (the first week of December).

Mitchell graduated, Christmas came, and then everything was stressful while we tried to find work.

Mid-January, Mitchell got a job in Atlanta, and we had just under two weeks to move out to Georgia. Somehow we got packed fast enough, and we moved. We drove out in just three days. We stayed with Mitchell's dad for two weeks while we found our own place.

Now, we are renting a nice little house in downtown Marietta, Georgia. We are 16 miles from where Mitchell works, so a 20-40 minute drive, depending on traffic. We live a few blocks from historic Marietta and "the Square," which has tons of fun shops and restaurants. We have been here for two weeks now, but it's been a busy two weeks, so we are hardly moved in. We just got internet two days ago, and the gas was turned off for most of this week. It felt great to take a shower today!

Mitchell works long hours, and works pretty late, which may give me the chance to blog more often. I want to help all my family and friends keep up with this big change in our lives.

Blogging Failure

I'm starting to think I just fail at blogging and maybe I should give up on it. I usually can't think of things to blog about, but when I do, I can't find the time to do it.

We've been sick for a week now. Hopefully, we'll be getting better soon. Being sick really messes everything up.

I just don't know if I should keep this blog up or not.

Splash Pad

We went to the new splash pad at Pioneer Park this evening. There was a ribbon cutting ceremony at 4:30, but we had to go find Annabelle's hat that we'd left at another park earlier in the day, so we didn't go to that part. By the time we got the hat, it was dinnertime, then Mitchell had to go to work, so the kids and I walked to the park by ourselves. It was a bit after 7 when we got there. Joseph and Annabelle were so excited to get into the water. Joseph thought it was awesome, but he's sort of afraid of water, so he mostly stayed around the perimeter. 

 Annabelle wasn't afraid at all and got completely soaked almost immediately. She was running around and screaming; sometimes she'd slip because it was so wet and slippery, but she didn't care because she was having so much fun.

After running around and playing for a while, Annabelle realized she was super cold and she started crying. I had to wrap her in her towel and Charlie's blanket to warm her up. I was going to take her home because I was a little worried about hypothermia, but she was ready to go back and play after a few quiet minutes in my lap.

I finally convinced them it was time to go home just before 8 when they were both drenched and shivering. We started walking home, but Joseph's little feet hurt because we did A LOT of walking yesterday and he was too cold to move quickly. So I carried Charlie and let Joseph ride. Pushing the stroller one-handed is really difficult, especially with the two heavier kids in it. I have a tendency to complain and get annoyed about things, but I wanted to be a good mom, so I let my little boy ride. He had to get out and walk right before the tracks because I couldn't push the stroller one-handed over them, but he got to ride most of the way. My arms were dead tired when I got home, but it was worth it to take care of my babies. Sometimes I forget that Joseph and Annabelle are my babies, too, and I think they are bigger/older than they really are. It's good for me to remember and let them be babies, though.

Searching for a Hobby, Part 2

I'm still working on figuring out my hobby. I made this really complicated, long list where I wrote down what the hobby was, when I would work on it, where I would do it, why I want to do it, how I would learn it, and about how much it would cost. Mitchell and I went through it and talked about things. We came up with a couple ideas. Mitchell was saying that I could try one hobby per week and just go through all the ones I'm interested in. He was also saying that I could combine a few of the hobbies and do cake decorating, photography, and blogging together. I'm partial to the first idea because I have so many interests. Mitchell likes the second idea better. I'm not sure what I should do, so I'm going to give it some thought. Any advice?

Searching for a Hobby

I think something important I've been learning is to have something for myself, to keep my "identity." It was recommended by my therapist, too. So, over the past week or two, Mitchell and I have been discussing a hobby for me. We are taking this a bit seriously because we want it to be successful. I have a tendency to start things, but never finish them, or even to do tons of research for something, but never actually start it. That is causing us to take our time to find something that I'm really interested in and capable of doing. As part of the process, Mitchell had me make a list of all the hobbies I could think of. He encouraged me to think outside the box and even put things that I probably wouldn't be able to do or even want to do, just to get the ideas flowing. Here's the list that I made (it's REALLY long):

• photography
• gardening
• music - singing, piano, viola, etc.
• running/marathon training
• yoga
• sewing
• scrapbooking
• cooking/baking
• cake decorating
• crocheting/knitting
• beauty - trying new hair styles, makeup techniques, nail art tricks, etc.
• get a pet
• painting
• drawing/sketching
• woodworking
• dance
• beading/jewelry making
• pottery
• home design
• home repair
• housework
• reading
• writing
• crafting
• travel/sightseeing
• learn a language
• family history
• blogging
• journaling
• cross-stitch
• video games
• watching movies/tv shows
• quilting
• fashion
• party planning 
• hiking
• rock climbing
• martial arts/kickboxing
• model/dollhouse building
• film/make videos
• cycling
• weight-lifting
• swimming
• auto mechanics
• computer/technology stuff
• camping
• calligraphy
• aviation
• teaching
• hang-gliding
• volunteering
• activism - charities, politics, causes, etc.
• antiquing
• surfing
• scuba-diving
• ballooning
• learn a new instrument
• landscaping
• candle making
• art - collage, pastel, sculpture, abstract, etc.
• acting
• shooting
• hunting
• taxidermy
• floral arranging
• glass blowing
• stained glass
• story-telling
• study psychology
• chemistry
• astrology
• astronomy
• nutrition/diet science
• art history
• architecture
• boating/sailing
• racing
• roleplaying
• board gaming/ card games
• basket weaving
• collecting
• puzzles - word, picture, number, etc.
• play pool
• horseback riding

Do you have any hobbies to add to this list?

Nothin' Special

I feel like I need to have a cute story to tell or a principle that I've learned to talk about, if I'm going to post something. But I think it's important to me to try to keep up this habit of posting, so I should post even if I don't have anything special to talk about.

Today was a pretty normal day. We did some errands, I went to my therapy, Mitchell is at work right now. We did go to Mimi's Cafe for lunch, which was a nice break from routine. I also was able to take a nap, and that was really nice.

The kids never seem to want to go to sleep and keep staying up really late at night. I'm not sure what to do about that. Charlie and Annabelle have been a little extra cranky, so I'm wondering about ear infections since they have recently had colds.

All in all, life is simple, but good right now.

Frustrations

Today was a pretty hard day, well, at least the first half was. I didn't really feel like myself until after I had a nap in the afternoon. I was feeling extremely irritable and angry this morning, which led me to having a small breakdown. I spent a lot of time crying. It was pretty cute later when Joseph came and asked, "Are you done crying now?"

The weight of caring for three children has been feeling heavy on my shoulders this week. I've been making great strides in overcoming many of the causes for my anxiety as well as making changes to many of the patterns and things associated with OCD (I have a mild case of it). I think that I've been changing too fast, though, so that I lost a lot of the patterns, routines, and schedules that I use to anchor myself in times of stress. There has also been added stress because we don't have any way to support ourselves through the summer. Mitchell has been working really hard on his portfolio and applying to internships, while I have been filling out job applications for him. The added stress and worry over finances and the near future were just more than I could bear, so I just broke under the pressure this morning.

Charlie has also been making things more difficult. Charlie is normally a sweetheart and it makes caring for him a sweetheart. The past 2 weeks, however, Charlie has changed. He screams a lot and hardly ever sleeps. I am finally figuring out that he's been starving. He must be going through a growth spurt or something because all he wants to do is eat. My milk supply wasn't enough for him, so he was just always feeling so hungry. I started supplementing with formula, and, yesterday, I officially started him on solid food. He's already eating rice cereal and sweet potatoes. And he eats a lot, too.

The second half of today went well, and we had a good evening together. I'm hoping that this next week will go better than the past week has. I just need to be more patient with myself and allow myself to take baby steps. I can't become perfect through just a few days' hard work. As long as I remember that and I keep doing my best, I think things will continue to get better.

Lists

I've been going to therapy once a week and it's been helping me a lot. Everything that has happened combined with the treatment I am receiving has been making me much more introspective. I'm constantly having to stop and really THINK about why I'm acting the way I am. Today my therapist and I were talking about ways for me to overcome my compulsions to make lists and to focus only on minute details. She told me to throw away my lists. When she said that, I thought I might pass out. I'm already trying to write fewer lists and I deleted one off my computer when I came home. It was really difficult... and I wrote it out again a few hours later. I have so many lists for what I'm going to do each day and I choose which list to use based on a specific set of circumstances. But I frequently end up stressing myself out because the circumstances change or I don't feel like following a list or something throws me off what I'm doing and then I don't know what list to follow. I used to just make simple to-do lists, but sometime over the past years they began to rule my life instead of helping it. I feel like this is going to be one of  the most difficult obstacles I deal with in my life, and it's a bit scary, but I'm glad I have good help with working on it.

Getting Better

Today was a bit better, so I have hope in the progress I am making. I needed a Xanax almost immediately after waking up. I get this feeling like I'm being stretched in too many directions and then I start to freak out a bit. The Xanax helps me to think rationally when I'm so overwhelmed like that. My awesome cousin Emily came and helped again today. She did my dishes, played with the kids, and let me take a nap again. I wish she could come every Monday and Wednesday. I had a lot more patience with the kids today. I was able to make them lunch and I made dinner by myself. We went through their bedtime routine and it went much better. Joseph was asleep by the time I was done singing and Annabelle was asleep within 5 minutes of me leaving the room. I was also able to go visiting teaching for the first time in several months. That felt so great. It feels good that I am getting back to being myself.